Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize