4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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