I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
