had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
