i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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