I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
