So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
