Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Randomize