I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
