I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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