i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I need to align my fucking chakras
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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