you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
