Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
