I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize