Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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