im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I can text with my tongue
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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