i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
