God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
