Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
