dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
