my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
