I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
