you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
