Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
