I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
