Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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