Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
