Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
