we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
