wakey wakey hands off snakey
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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