Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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