If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
