Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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