I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
