I wish you could order shots online.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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