Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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