today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
a search helicopter?!
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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