Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
