I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
