Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
