omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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