you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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