Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Panties = found
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