have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
My pussy is not your playground.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
