I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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