it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
