I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
