Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
