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Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize