Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
