Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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