WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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