She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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