I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My pussy is not your playground.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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