If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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