You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
