I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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