You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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