u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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