apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
