Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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