WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You are the jesus of drinking
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
