I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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