plz talk dirty to me
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The best revenge is premature balding
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
