girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
